Musings from Students of the Pardes Institute of Jewish Studies in Jerusalem
Posted on February 10, 2012 by Derek Kwait
As I was browsing through my hard drive yesterday I rediscovered this dramatic monologue I wrote for my Playwriting class in college. Here it is with slight emendations, I hope you enjoy it.
(I apologize for the weird spacing, I don’t know why it’s like that, it’s not intentional.)
(A rabbi’s office. The wall is lined with
bookshelves stuffed with books surrounding a
small, cluttered wooden desk. RABBI GOLDENHERTZ
begins seated behind desk, LARRY is seated in
front of it.)
RABBI GOLDENHERTZ
Well, that is an excellent question, Lar, an excellent
question. And believe me when I tell you that nothing
makes me happier than to see people actively
questioning the tradition. To question it is to take
part in it. But before I answer you, would you please
indulge me to digress for just a moment, please. Like
our esteemed president, Mr. Silver says, that is my
job, after all. Right? Haha? Digression? No matter. But
I want to tell you I actually found myself thinking
about your son Trevor’s Bar-Mitzvah recently..it was
six years ago, right? Ah, but I remember it as though
it were yesterday. He did such a fantastic job, you
should continue to schep such nachas from that boy. We
studied together for over a year–Torah, Talmud,
Hebrew..ah, his Hebrew and reading ability improved so
much in such a short time, and how he sang the portion
of that week! Beautiful! I was so proud, I can’t
imagine how you must have felt! But the best part of
it, Larry, the most meaningful for me, is always the
part where they actually know what it is they’re
saying– The speech! He wrote it himself, you know.
Remember how he went on and on about the importance of
living a Jewish life, and education, and the beauty of
mitzvahs, and the tradition, and on and on….You want
to know why I was thinking about this Larry, what
brought it up? I actually saw Trevor last Shabbos–for
the first time since he gave that speech. I was walking
home from shul and saw him sitting on the roof of his
car outside KFC, getting very close and personal with
some Oriental girl. Do you know her Larry? (pause) She
Jewish?… Haha! But I suppose I shouldn’t be so
surprised–listen to me ranting but that is my job
right, isn’t that what you all say, behind my back when
I try to do my job?…Haha!I see my former students
all the time at the mall or outside school or in the
park, their parents give me their money to bring them
into the Covenant then once they’re in it they,
they…they use their God-given free choice quite
effectively, let’s put it that way. But it’s not their
fault, I don’t see the parents as often as I’d like
either, Larry. Look, I’m a rabbi, books are my
companions, but I like schmoozing and football too, you
know! I can’t tell you how often it is that I help a
child become B’nai-Mitzvah, I get close with him or her
and they do such a wonderful job, and we’re all so
proud… then besides two days a year, I never see the
family again until Grandma dies and they need someone
to make them feel good at the funeral. Perhaps it’s a
roundabout way of saying it Larry, but all this just
goes to show all the more so how much I appreciate it
when someone actually comes to me with a good question
to ask! Now I know I haven’t wasted my time reading all
these books (gestures around the room) haha! So it’s a
good thing I went to Seminary for five years, gave my
life to trying to attempt to understand and teach the
limitless depths of our sacred 3,000-year-old
tradition, sacrificed so much to live as an example for
my congregation after all then. That’s why I’m always
so thrilled when people come to me with questions to
ask, important questions–Rabbi, is it ok if I marry
this girl even though she’s not Jewish? I hope so
because she’s kind-of pregnant; Rabbi, why is kosher
so stupid; Rabbi my new cat’s a boy, when will you be available to
circumcise it?; Rabbi, how dare you say I can’t go out on seafood night
with my friends! What-just because they’re not Jews they’re bad people
all of a sudden, who do you think you are, Rabbi?; But Rabbi, hunting
is what’s restful for me on Saturdays, not reading books; But Rabbi,
orgies make me feel closer to God, how dare you be so judgmental; it’s
my body, Rabbi I can do what I want
if I want a tattoo; you think everyone’s the same,
Rabbi, you think you know me; Rabbi, my teacher failed
me why does God hate me so much?; Rabbi, you shouldn’t
be so preachy, it drives members away, why can’t you
just do your job and make people feel better about
themselves; Rabbi! Rabbi! Rabbi!… (breathes.) Yes,
they do keep me busy, God bless them for their
interest. 1 Bar-Mitzvah, 1 funeral, 1 permission to do
whatever you want…would you like fries with that? How
about bacon? (pause) Haha! Again, forgive me for the
digression, but it is what I went to school for, after
all right! Haha! So I’ll finally answer your question
now Larry– I suggest you do what you want then tell
people it’s ok because I told you so. Because otherwise
you’d do it anyway and ignore my advise or else find
another rabbi who will say it’s ok. So I’m saving you a
step, haha! (pause. LARRY looks vacantly at RABBI
GOLDENHERTZ)So go right on ahead, take your garlic pill
on Yom Kippur, because God-forbid your blood pressure
should get a little high for a day. Just don’t sit next
to me afterwards, haha! (pause) But I’m just kidding of course,
it’s always nice to see you Larry, give my best to
Corrine and Trevor and..and that daughter of yours, what was her name again?
