These and Those

Musings from Students of the Pardes Institute of Jewish Studies in Jerusalem

As the ghosts fade away

Posted on April 23, 2013 by Abayiss

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This is a followup to my Erev Yom HaZikaron post

Thank you, my friends, for coming out, for keeping my glass full, for helping me through the day. Thank you for standing by me, for holding me up, for comforting me.

I missed you, my smiling angels, forever young and beautiful. I missed your smiles and your laughs, your frowns and tears, every single detail. Words can not express how grateful I am for each and every one of you and for the sacrifice you made. I am sorry I failed you, and I am sorry that I have not joined you yet.

All around me, people transition from dark to light, from mourning to celebration, from Remembrance to Independence. Yet all I see, all I can see, is you, each one of you outshining those around me, brighter than the fireworks in the night sky.

But now it is time to say goodbye, my friends. Time for the ghosts to return to the shadows for another year. I know you will come to visit me once in a while, you always do, making sure I don’t forget, keeping me up at night.

I know it’s unfair, and I wish I could change it. But please, don’t make it harder than it already is. I don’t know what it’s like for you, but I know you don’t have to live with the guilt and the memories, constant reminders of what was lost.

I will never forget you, and I try to share your memories with others. But please understand: I am still alive, and I need to be allowed to live. You are still my brothers and sisters, and I love and miss you all. But as long as you hold my heart, I can not give it to another. As long as you haunt me, I have no room for the living.

So, maybe this year, until your night comes again, you can stay in the shadows, for me?