These and Those

Musings from Students of the Pardes Institute of Jewish Studies in Jerusalem

German Colony Blues

Posted on February 4, 2014 by Yisrael Ben Avraham

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579732_10151111560796185_1772282015_n“I just don’t get it,” remarked Ya’akov Schmuckwitz as he sighed.

A 29 year old resident of the German colony, Ya’akov could be considered most eligible bachelor in Jerusalem.  He starts his day as a criminal defense attorney for high profile clients; that is, clients that can afford his rate of 3000 shekels an hour.  The day is just half over after finishing his day at the law practice.  Then it’s off to Hadassah hospital where Ya’akov is a trauma cardiologist.  Last week, Ya’akov did triple bipass surgery on a holocaust survivor.   On top of that, on the side he runs a small accounting practice.

“Law school just wasn’t that challenging so I applied and got into medical school.  As for the accounting practice, that’s just extra income.  Filing taxes is so easy; you just put in some numbers; add subtract here; multiply and divide there.”

“I’m a Jewish mother’s wet dream:  a lawyer, a doctor and an accountant.  But I’m still single.”  Ya’akov sadly remarks.  “It was so awkward the other day hearing my mother ask me if I still masturbate.  ‘It’s disgusting and will make you go blind,’ she said, ‘and besides, you should have a nice Jewish girl take care of that stuff.’  Reason #1 I made aliyah:  my overbearing Jewish mother.”

Ya’akov is a regular attendant of Yakar; a shul in the German Colony whose main demographic is anglo singles in their 20’s and 30’s.  Schmaltz News interviewed some of the gals Ya’akov is acquainted with from Yakar at Pasta Basta in the Shuk.

“He’s kind of cute and he makes a lot of money.  But his Anglo accent is so totally uncool,” remarked Faigy Horowitz.  Many of the other girls in the crowd nodded their head in agreement; the contention was that Ya’akov’s anglo accent was the opposite of an aphrodisiac.

“I’d rather marry an ars who would get drunk off Arak every night, bust my lip open, and cheat on me than be stuck with an uncool anglo,” said Estie Zalmanbloom.

“Ehhh… [ehhh not uhhh, Israelis don’t go uhhh they go ehhh] we’re kind of having our Rosh Chodesh women’s group.”  Estie continued.  “By Rosh Chodesh group I mean where we eat pasta, drink white wine and talk about our periods.”

Our male reporter, feeling out of his element, bid his adieu.  He did managed to get the bottom of Ya’akov’s dating dilemma:  his anglo accent.

The Anglo accent of the Hebrew language is perhaps the most loathed.  Some Anglos are able to acquire the Israeli accent of Hebrew and therefore become cool and a bigger fish in what is the unmitigated soul sucking hell hole of lonely Jewish singles that is the German Colony.

“Don’t get me started on Faigy Horowtiz,” Ya’akov said sardonically.

“She had a chance to make kiddush with me and the President, that’s right, with Shimon Peres at my penthouse apartment in Rechavia.  I’m talking about the ones where you need to be interviewed by the Shin Bet to live there.  I’ve been tight with the President ever since I helped him with a little fall he had and some subsequent financial advice I gave him.  Anyway, I thought this was my chip to finding a nice Jewish wife; invite one of the girls from the meat market, I mean Yakar, to kiddush at my house with the President.”

“Me and Faigy are all set to go out when some native Israeli elbows me out of the way and asks if she wants to have kiddush with him at his arsim kiddush club.  She ended up going with him!  I know Israelis don’t like the anglo accent, but so much not to join me for kiddush with the president?  Come on!”

Don’t be fooled by Ya’akov’s CV thinking his some lanky e to the x version of Woody Allen.  Ya’akov is a decorated veteran of the IDF having served in a unit so secret he is forbidden by law to disclose its name.

“So I tell the Hizboallah rocket scientist to punch me in the face,” Ya’akov recounts his story in the Lebanon War.  “Like any good member of Hizboallah, being predisposed to violence, he punches me in the face.  I absorb the punch and give the Hizboallah scientist a roundhouse kick to the temple knocking him out.  My version of constructive conflict resolution.  While he’s knocked out I get the dossier of all the logistical information of weapons trafficking from Iran into Hizbollah.”

Having the scientist punch Ya’akov in the face turned out to get him out of a lot of trouble.

“’A Zionist Mind Trick is not an acceptable defense in this court of law, Mr. Haji Insani al Membrani bin Hummus abu Babathedouche,’ said the Eurotrash Judge at my war crimes trial,” Ya’akov recounted of his war crimes trial.  Ya’akov was arrested while on a trip to England (strictly on business, who the hell wants to go to England?) for what was at the time alleged war crimes.

“Let me preface in saying I regularly chastise Israel over a soy latte and croissant at my weekly salon at an ivory tower in Geneva.  The footage clearly shows that the defendant was defending himself from what was clearly an unprovoked blow to the face.  I hereby declare the defendant not guilty,” the stuck up liberal European judged ruled.

“If only the punch in the face somehow changed my accent; maybe I would have a chance of dating Israeli girls,” said Ya’akov dryly.

There may be a light at the end of the tunnel in spite of Ya’akov being an uncool anglo.  It will be difficult, but there is the possibility of Ya’akov marrying a non-Jewish woman and getting her to convert.

“These Orthodox rabbis think they’re such big shots.  I know a prominent businessman who went in for an appointment to get his soon to be wife convert.  ‘It’s going to take seven years of hard study…’ the rabbi went on about how strict you have to be and this chumrah and that chumrah.  As the rabbi went on the businessman wrote out a check for one million dollars, slammed it on the desk, interrupted the pompous rabbi and said, “you have three months.  She was converted in three months.”

“I hope it doesn’t come to that; I don’t mean paying off an orthodox rabbi for a speedy conversion so I can marry a sane shikse woman.  I really do hope I can find a nice Israeli girl who isn’t going to hold my accent against me.  My ancestors were one of the first Jewish families to arrive in the United States—my anglo accent isn’t going anywhere.”

Along with his financial capital up his sleeve, Ya’akov’s power of council is another joker up his sleeve.  Warren Buffett, meet Johnnie Cochran.

“I just got a prominent Rebbe off the hook for some serious category 6 fraud that he was charged with.  It took a lot of smooth talking and schmoozing with the right people; including getting a certain left-wing Ashkenazi Tel Aviv judge some highly illegal Iranian caviar but it was completely legal because the judge is a left-wing Ashkenazi Tel Aviv judge.  Anyway, it turns out this Rebbe was having his accounting done by his ‘Ga’on of a gematria student,’ his exact words.  Some ga’on you got, you’re now looking at  a laundry list of fraud and laundering charges.”

As it turns out, some orthodox folks aren’t only particular when comes to who their rabbi is but who their accountant is.

“’I don’t want to support an accountant who isn’t orthodox!’  the rebbe said after I told him to get in touch with the only accountant I knew who could clear up the mess he made.  ‘Listen here you insolent ingrate,’ I told him, ‘I’m going to put this in the language you’ll understand.  When it comes to this court case I’m Moshe rabbeinu and this accountant is Aaron the cohen.  If you don’t accept Aaron as your accountant then I’ll no longer work on your case and you’ll end up like Korach!’  That shut him up.”

Ya’akov went on to win the case for the Rebbe.  Along with the financial costs of the case the Rebbe asked what more he could do to repay Ya’akov.

“Rebbe, I’m almost thirty years old and have been finding myself many a night alone while crying in my beer while watching softcore porn.  I may have to bit the bullet and marry a non-Jewish woman; these Israeli women are tough as nails.  That would be great if you could convert her nice and easy with out any of the typical nonsense orthodox BS when it comes to conversion.  He agreed, he just asked to be given 72 hours notice to assemble a beit din.”

You read that right, all Ya’akov has to do is call the rebbe 72 hours in advance and the rebbe could get a beit din to convert any non-Jewish woman Ya’akov wants to marry.  That’s more gangster than Tony Montana on a Learjet with a ton of yayo.   Yet, all this financial and legal power and poor Ya’akov can’t get some high-strung Israeli woman to put out for him because of his anglo accent.

“Worst comes to worse, like any good Jewish boy, I’ll marry an Asian woman.”