These and Those

Musings from Students of the Pardes Institute of Jewish Studies in Jerusalem

Script for “Who is a True Canadian?”

Posted on February 25, 2013 by Stuart Matan Lithwick

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Hello everybody!

Here is the script for the great Canadian Purim shpiel that I put on, along with all of my other fellow Canucks, this year! Enjoy 🙂


Who is a true Canadian?

Cast Members: Stuart Matan Lithwick, Annie Matan Gilbert, Daniella Adler, Rachel Rosenbluth, Cait Power, Ruth Wicks, Avi Spodek, Derek Kwait, and Laura Herman

Characters: Crowd, Announcer, Ahace Veroce, Nicole Vashette, Maurice Duchai, Danielle Estaire, Frank Wilson, Jennifer Baker, Bobby-Sue Dixon, Mary Smith, Rachel Finkel

Scene 1:

Characters: Crowd, Announcer, Ahace Veroce, Nicole Vashette

Background: Crowd cheering… Ca na da! Ca na da! Ca na da!

Announcer (in a bad French Canadian accent): Ladies and gentlemen! Do you think you are a true Canadian? It’s not just anyone who can live up here! Let me introduce two people who put the nads in the name Canada and make us proud. Your true Canadians. From the beautiful province of Quebec:

Ahace Veroce AND Nicole Vashette

Direction: Ahace and Nicole come running in from offstage and start going crazy, to huge applause and cheers and eventually sit down on chairs up front!

A. Veroce (in a bad French accent): Hello/Bonjour! Thank you so much for choosing us again this year as your true Canadians!

Direction: Huge cheers from all of the crowd, Ca na da!

N. Vashette (in a worse French accent): Thank you for…

Direction: A. Veroce interrupts N. Vashette mid sentence! N. Vashette looks surprised, scowls, and then shrugs it off…

A. Veroce: I am so proud to be up here again, representing the beautiful, majestic, dynamic, cold, country of Canada!

Direction: Huge cheers from all of the crowd, Ca na da!

N. Vashette (in a more persistent tone): I am also very…

Direction: A. Veroce interrupts N. Vashette mid sentence again! N. Vashette gives A. Veroce an evil glare and starts to stew on her chair…

A. Veroce: …proud to be beside me as your, true, Canadian (A. Veroce looks back, sees N. Vashette, and only then adds a “s” to Canadian)!

Direction: Huge cheers from all of the crowd, Ca na da! A. Veroce makes a fast sweeping arm gesture to quiet the crowd, and they immediately quiet down.

A. Veroce: Now. We must prove to you that we are worthy of this esteemed role! First, as proof that I am a true Canadian, I, Ahace Veroce, will eat poutine with Maple Syrup!

Direction: A. Veroce eats poutine with Maple Syrup. Huge cheers from all of the crowd, Ca na da! A. Veroce makes a fast sweeping arm gesture to quiet the crowd, and they immediately quiet down.

A. Veroce: Merci, merci! I am a true Canadian! Now, to prove that my esteemed partner Nicole is just as much a Canadian as I, she will go outside for 2 minutes in nothing but a bathing suit!

Direction: Huge cheers from all of the crowd. N. Vashette reacts with surprise and anger to the suggestion that has been made by A. Veroce.

N. Vashette: Vraiement! It is -20 out there today! Monsieur Veroce, you are a true pig!

Direction: N. Vashette storms off the stage. A hush comes over the crowd… Wait 10 seconds.

A. Veroce: Well, I guess the time has come to find a replacement!

End Scene

Scene 2:

Characters: Maurice Duchai, Danielle Estaire, Frank Wilson

Background: Quiet room. D. Estaire is putting on her jacket and hat, and M. Duchai is standing off to the side daydreaming…

D. Estaire: Maurice… Maur… Maur Duchai!!

M. Duchai: Oh yes, yes, mon cheri, I was having a nightmare that the Penguins of Pittsburgh had won the Stanley cup.

D. Estaire: Mon dieu! Quel catastrophe……. Did you hear? A. Veroce is looking for a new true Canadian! Mme. Vashette couldn’t take the cold.

M. Duchai: Incroyable! You would be perfect!

Direction: D. Estaire begins listing off

D. Estaire: Let me see….. Toque…. Ouai….. Mittains…. Ouai…. Maple Syrup…. Ouai….. Longjohns…. Ouai…… Tim Hortons Coffee…. (Frank Wilson from offstage – You mean Starbucks!) Wait, who was that? No matter…. A distain for non-French speakers…. Ouai… I think I am ready to go!

M. Duchai: Bien sur! It is time for you to become the next…. true…. Canadian!

End Scene

Scene 3:

Characters: Crowd, Announcer, Frank Wilson, Ahace Veroce, Jennifer Baker, Bobby-Sue Dixon, Mary Smith, Rachel Finkel, Danielle Estaire

Background: Crowd cheering… Ca na da! Ca na da! Ca na da!

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen! It is time to crown our next…. true…. Canadian! Let’s…. get….. ready…. to….. rumble!

Direction: Crowd cheers…. Ca na da! Ca na da! Ca na da! All of the true Canadian candidates try to find their seats, but keep running into each other and say “I am sorry” over and over and over!

Announcer: Who is our first contender for true Canadian? C’est Mme. Jennifer Baker? (says with an inflection in his voice, making it seem like he is incredibly surprised that she is not from Quebec)

J. Baker: Hey there! I am your next true Canadian because I… am…. so….. chill! I carve up the slopes on my board all day, and party all night!! Whoa, what was that…. That was so cool! Anyways, vote for me! (Holds up victory V’s on both hands)

Frank Wilson: Snow sucks!

Announcer: Who was that! Sacre bleu….. I think I need a breath of fresh air…. Who’s next? Bobby-Sue Dixon!

B.S. Dixon: Howdy! How y’all doing? You want a true Canaaaadian? Hello! Hello! (Pointing to herself) I eat beef for breakfast, there’s no bronco that I can’t tame, and I…. am….. loaded! We have oil in our backyard! Whooooey! For Canada vote country!

Frank Wilson: If that’s country I’m Willie Nelson!

Announcer: Tabernac! Let’s hope things get more interesting…. Oh zut its Mary Smith from Saskatoon, Saskatchewan…. (a look of utter boredom)

Mary Smith: I love wheat… (Wait 3 seconds). Big wheat…. Small wheat…. Wheat is great! And from my front yard, I can see all the way to Alberta! Vote me for your next true Canadian!

Frank Wilson: The action never stops in Canada! (huge sarcasm)

Announcer: Ok, that guy is really starting to eat my poutine! (Huge sigh) Just what we need, someone from Ontario…., it’s Rachel Finkel from Toronto….

R. Finkel: Hey there! You know how they say Tronno is the centre of the universe? It’s true! How couldn’t it be? We have the Toronto Maple Leafs, the 5th tallest tower in the world (through gritted teeth), and so many beautiful people! I mean, just look at me! How could you not pick me! I am your true Canadian!

Frank Wilson: Somebody needs a reality check! (Huge sarcasm)

Announcer: Hey man! That’s enough out of you! One more crack and I will toss you out of here like a stale sack of bagels!

Frank Wilson: Canadian beer sucks! U S A, U S A, U S A…. Frank Wilson runs off….

Announcer: Ok… That’s it…. I am bored and tired of this charade. Who is last!…. Ah bon Dieu! She is from Quebec! Mme. Danielle Estaire!

Direction: A. Veroce looks excited as soon as he sees D. Estaire.

D. Estaire (spoken strongly): I am your next true Canadian! I live in Montreal, I think hockey belongs only in cities with real ice, I say Zed not Zee, a toque is a hat, pop is the sound of a balloon not a drink, I say it is too cold in the winter and too hot in the summer, and I drink lots and lots and lots of Canadian beer! I am Canadian!

A. Veroce: We have a winner!

Direction: The crowd goes wild, A. Veroce gets up and gives D. Estaire a hug. Crowd chants CA NA DA! CA NA DA!